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*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”