This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
You Might Also Like
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.