A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
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the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?