– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
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Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project