Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
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Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons