dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
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Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
*pronounces fake like saké*
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
felt that
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.