So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
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if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
This story is comedy gold 😂
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”