[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
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I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”