Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
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GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.