Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
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They did not miss in the small print
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
When someone says you are so lazy
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Challenge accepted.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.