My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
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Planet of the Apps.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school