By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
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Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.