[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
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The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.