Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
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Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices