I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
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Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight