me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
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One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Breaking news:
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
honestly, i need both: