From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
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Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Wednesday