You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
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Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?