Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
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Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them