God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
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I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
I put the h in mysterious.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*