A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
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Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No