BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
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I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
*updates tinder bio*
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.