Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
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[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Comparing yourself to others
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”