I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
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I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.