If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
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Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.