If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
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[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
mariah carrie
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”