Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
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When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Ugh but profoundly
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”