RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
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Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Sing it!
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
They got a point!