You Might Also Like
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.