If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
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Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
We like the way Dwight thinks
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.