Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
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God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.