me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
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I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
how to exercise your calf muscles
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big