Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
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“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Have a lovely day 😊
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”