It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
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Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
jesus, what did this guy do
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Confused owl: What?!
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.