What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
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One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild