Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
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My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Actually cracking up @ this
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds