forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
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I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Me too 😆
CUTE CAT‼︎
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.