*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
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Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.