An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
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Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Does beer think about me too?
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.