ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
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wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
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