picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
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*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Have a lovely day 😊
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera