They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
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She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Mad Max: Furry Road
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*