Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
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It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.