my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
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Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
same bro
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.