me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
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The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.