Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
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I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*