rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
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So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
I’ve been learning to cook.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.