moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
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Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I forgot how to panic. Help
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.