When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
You Might Also Like
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Hilarious if literal: arms race
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
A dad and his duck
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves