[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
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Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.